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Britain for Americans
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geography

A map of Britain

As you can see,  London is a large city. Nearly all the people in Britain live there. There  are other places in Britain - for example, Manchester, Birmingham and Scotland.  These place names are all commonly spelt with "near London", such  as "Edinburgh, near London". People who don't live in London are called "provincials", and are not allowed to meet the Queen or get married. Their suicide rate is high.

Britain is surrounded  by water on all sides, so it's an island. There are other islands, as the  map shows, but they have funny names, and the people who live in these islands are difficult to get to know.

The sea to the west of Britain is called the "North Sea". The Vikings took a  short cut across this bit to invade us with their longboats. These are now converted into neat little floating apartments, and sail in the canals (not  marked) which snake across the verdant countryside.

The water in the left is called  the "Irish Sea". If you get into this water and keep going,  you will land in Ireland. This is where the Irish people live. That's  how it got its name.

The water at the bottom is called the "English Channel". People below this speak  in foreign languages and eat funny food.

The water at the bottom is called the "English Channel". People below this speak  in foreign languages and eat funny food.

The water at the top is very cold. Eskimos swim in it. We don't go there very often, and  the tourist attractions are few and far between. You're better staying on  dry land here.

Scotland has its own parliament. Everyone who lives in Scotland talks like Billy Connolly. They eat "haggis" for breakfast and play the bagpipes. You may  have seen pictures of these people on tins of biscuits. They are a pleasant people, and enjoy being called "McDonald", especially if their  name is "Campbell", or something.

Britain is a small country (8.5 sq miles), and will fit comfortably inside Los Angeles. Therefore, you don't have to travel very far from one tourist attraction to the next. Most people travel by railways or by bus, because we can't afford much petrol.