Because Britain  is a tiny island, we do not spend our money on big, fast cars like you  American chaps. You could get into your Oldsmobile or Chrysler at one  side in London, and emerge from the other in Scotland!  Most people here walk from one place to another, take the bus or train, or ride a "bicycle" (the traditional means of transport). These are very cheap ways of getting about. You Americans, on the other  hand, with your Cadillacs, Amtraks and Domestic Flights, may find the prospect of using Britain's antiquated transport system a little daunting. Do not despair - help is at hand!   The  new American cars we're now importing A  London bicycle     The  London-Edinburgh Express The  famous London Bus A  London taxi The  New York plane leaves London Airport Cars Our cars are very small, and have a maximum engine capacity of 500cc. In the cities, young men like to go "joyriding" in their (or someone else's) cars. Joyriding  is a popular pursuit in some of the poorer areas of urban Britain, and provides a quick and inexpensive way of seeing the local attractions. Ask any young chap to take you joyriding - it's an experience you'll never  forget! Bicycles Many Americans visiting Britain  for the first time are amazed to see the local people travelling on the backs of these contraptions. They are provided free by the National Health Service as a means of "keeping fit", and are state-owned. As a tourist, you have a right by law to ride any unoccupied bicycle, or even to commandeer one of the many thronging the busy streets of London town with the traditional cry of "Gerrorf", which roughly translates as "I, a citizen  of the United States, claim this velocopede as decreed by the law of King  Charles III Jr". Be sure to pick a good bicycle, and you will enjoy  hours of pleasure and sight-seeing, helped on your way by the good people of Britain, who encourage you with hearty cries of "Stapfeefe". Don't worry about  learning to ride; lessons (and tax & insurance) are unnecessary. Trains  All railways are owned by the estate of Lord Richard Branson. They are slow and rattly,  but will take you to your destination faster than by any other means, hurtling through the streets of London and the hills and vales of the Country at speeds approaching 65mph. Railway food is  a great delicacy, and no train journey is complete without a delicious  cup of tea, brewed by the "conductors" in their jaunty "Virgin"  uniforms. In the corridors and compartments of each train are bell-pulls, which summon a waiter to your seat. Use them. Every station  in the country of Britain has a crowd of Boy Scouts at the end of each platform. Clad in their bright raincoats and spectacles, and clutching  notepads and pens, their job is to answer your railway queries under the  affectionate gaze of the Scoutmasters, those stalwart middle-aged chaps  in the macintoshes. Ask any Boy Scout to accompany you on your travels! Buses Buses are always red, and are  frequent and comfortable. Stand at a "bus-stop", and raise your arm to stop one. Be sure to tell the driver where you are going, and don't be put off if he tells you that he isn't going there. Bus drivers enjoy pretending that they aren't allowed to vary their routes, in the hope  of catching out foreign tourists. Don't let them - be persuasive! Most bus drivers are specially recruited from India. These dusky chaps are very diligent, and are proud of their traditional calling. On entry to Britain, new drivers  are christened "Pakkee" (the Hindu word for "doughty driver");  help them to feel at home by using their name as much as possible in conversation. Taxis All taxis are black, to distinguish  them from buses. Taxi drivers (or "cabbies) are recruited from British universities and colleges, and normally have degrees in Politics, Theology or Social Sciences. Taxi driving is  a lonely job, and cabbies will enjoy answering any of your questions on  issues such as immigration, Trades Unions and taxation. One of the requirements  of taxi companies is that 90% of their drivers be homosexual. If you are  the same way inclined, an offer of sex in lieu of the fair will be welcomed with open arms. A rather tricky  aspect of travelling by cab is the fare. Cabbies just love to haggle,  so aim to barter the driver down to around a quarter of the given price. Don't be put off by their apparent reluctance to come down; they are expert  hagglers, and enjoy showing off their stubbornness! The  Tube Also known as  The London Underground, the Tube is in fact a fairground ride, consisting  of "cars" running through "tubes" right under the  streets and markets of Old London Town. As it is a very  popular attraction, those of you who dislike crowds should take the tube at "off-peak" times, that is, 8-9am and 5-6pm. Every Tube car has maps on the wall. Check that the curves in the track correspond to  the map; this is the only way to be sure that you've boarded the right car.   Air  travel Aeroplanes are only intended for trips abroad. All British people are scared of flying, so the only  people who use air travel are tourists During the Second World War, some British people did get used to being in the air, and flew Spitfire and Hurricane aeroplanes to kill Nazis. These stalwart chaps are now sadly  all too old to fly, and instead spend their time recounting "dog-fights" for the benefit of tourists. If you meet one, remind him that it was good old America that really won the war! There are only three landing-strips  in Britain: Heathrow, Gatwick and Stanford. Horse-back riding This is a little-known, traditional and fun way to travel. Horses are provided at football matches for travel anywhere in Britain for free. Simply turn  up before 3pm or after 4:30pm on a Saturday, find a horse that isn't taken,  and jump up behind the traditional British bobby. He will be delighted to  take you to your destination - be sure to hang on tight!